


Toy Craze

by Kalta79



Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Birthday Presents, Comedy, Don't Judge Me, F/M, Fluff and Crack, Robots, Toys, Weird Fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-14
Updated: 2018-09-24
Packaged: 2019-06-27 06:18:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 8,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15679704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kalta79/pseuds/Kalta79
Summary: Cait Sith starts a new career, and Tifa is his first customer. Inspired by my Special Delivery fic and brainstorming with obsidians.





	1. Chapter 1

Tifa realized it was time to check her email before Cloud and the kids got home and it was time to start dinner. “Why do I keep getting these weird emails? I haven’t given my email to anyone but my friends!” she complained as she deleted the spam. “Hey, what’s this one? Never be lonely again.” Tifa read the title and hesitated before reluctantly clicking on it. “Have your own custom dolls made in the likeness of your loved ones. Perfect for all ages. Choose from the regular stuffed doll or our premium robotic version, which is just like having your own miniature version of whomever you want, and they’re still soft enough to cuddle with!” Tifa smiled as she finished reading the ad. “That’s perfect!”

“We’re home!” Denzel called out as he and Marlene entered the apartment.

“I’ll be right there!” Tifa closed her laptop and hurried to the kitchen to give the kids a snack. “How was school?” she asked her young charges.

“I’m going to be in the spelling bee next week!” Marlene announced proudly.

“I’ve got an algebra test next week to study for.” Denzel’s response was less than enthusiastic.

“You’re both smart enough to do just fine.” Tifa told them encouragingly. “And I’ve finally figured out what to get Cloud for his birthday next month. So if he asks you too, just tell him that much, the suspense will add to his excitement when he finally opens the present, okay?” Tifa smiled happily at them.

 

***

 

“That’s right, two robotic dolls, one male, one female. Do I email you our pictures?” Tifa asked as she placed her order that night in her office at the bar, using the phone number provided in the ad.

“Yes, dear. Our email is bestdolls@tokia.net.” An elderly sounding woman told her. “Do you want them to have generic automated voices or are you willing to give us a voice sample for them?”

“They’ll talk too?” Tifa exclaimed, then realized she shouldn’t be surprised, talking dolls weren‘t new, and she had seen the technology Shinra had at their disposal.

“Yes. We already have your voice on record, since all calls are recorded for quality assurance.” the woman replied. “Simply email us a wav file of his voice along with the pictures, and we‘ll modulate the doll‘s voice to match. Your order comes to 5000 gil, including shipping.”

“Five thousand?” Tifa gulped. She’d have to use the emergency credit card and it would take a big chunk out of their savings, but… “Do you take Midgar National Bank credit cards?”

“Yes, we do. Let me know when you’re ready to give me the number.” she told Tifa, who read off her credit card and billing/shipping info. “Alright, your order number is 486KGV23. Please put that in the subject line of the email when you send us the pictures and wav file, and it will take about two weeks to produce the dolls once we have those.”

“Thank you.” Tifa said.

“You’re very welcome, Tokia Toys aim to please! Have a nice day.” the woman replied before hanging up.

Tifa took a deep breath and dialed another number on her phone. “Um, sorry to bother you, Rude, but I need someone used to secrecy. What’s a wav file?”

 

***

 

“We’ve got our first order!” Ellie Beasley exclaimed as she took her headset off and headed to her boss’s office.

“That’s great!” Cait Sith jumped out of his chair onto his desk. “Who placed the order?”

“A young woman named Tifa Lockhart.” Ellie replied. “She purchased two.”

“It must be her and Cloud. Unless it’s of Marlene and Denzel.” Cait Sith remarked more to himself than to his employee. “But they’re well-known enough that if they’re satisfied, the free publicity means we’re all going to be very busy!” Cait Sith was ecstatic…ever since he quit working for Reeve, he had been trying to figure out how to make a living. He didn’t need to eat, but he wanted a nice house and a purpose in life. And then he had the brilliant brainstorm of making toys, regular ones and then ones like himself. He had met the Stitching Bitches knitting group and they were interesting in trying something new as well, so he hired them to make the dolls, and he had sent out emails to everyone he knew to see if anyone would bite.

 

***

 

“Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you!” Tifa, Marlene, and Denzel sang to Cloud at the breakfast table, with his favorite morning foods spread out around a big wrapped present sitting in the middle of the table.

“Thanks, you guys.” Cloud said, his eyes focused on the gift. “Can I open it before or after we eat?”

“After.” Tifa insisted. “You’ll be too distracted and won’t eat otherwise.”

“Okay.” Cloud half-pouted, and he tried to eat as fast as he could to open his present, and the kids were following his example, all of them curious as to what his ultra-secret present was.

“If you choke, you’ll never know what it is.” Tifa indulgently teased him as she calmly ate her pancakes.

“I think we’re all done.” Cloud blurted out a few minutes later.

“I’m not, but go ahead, you three have eaten enough to last you until the real party later on.” Tifa was also eager to see what the dolls looked like.

Cloud smiled and let Marlene and Denzel take the wrapping paper off, then he opened the box and was surprised to see two rectangular boxes surrounded by styrofoam pellets. “What are these?” He carefully took one out and opened it, his eyes widening as he was confronted with an eighteen inch tall Tifa doll in a beautiful white evening gown.

“They’re um…mini robotic versions of us.” Tifa blushed as she explained, taking the other box out and opening it to reveal a Cloud doll that was slightly taller than hers. She had insisted that the doll wear a white evening gown so Cloud wouldn‘t get freaked out like she knew he would if she had it wear a wedding dress. “They even talk. It’s so we’re never really apart even when we can’t be together.” She stood the doll up on the table and turned it on.

“Hello, thank you for purchasing me, I hope you will find me very enjoyable. I am programmed to learn how to act like anyone you want me to.” the Cloud doll told them in Cloud’s voice as it looked around at them all.

“Well, that’s…interesting.” Cloud said after he turned the Tifa doll on and she said the same thing in Tifa’s voice.

“Can we have our own?” Marlene and Denzel asked them, enchanted by the dolls.

“We’ll see.” Tifa told them. “We need to think of names for them.”

“I was programmed to respond to the name Storm.” Cloud’s doll announced.

“And my name is Tina.” the Tifa doll said.

“Well, okay, how do we program you?” Tifa asked.

“There should be an instruction booklet provided in the shipping box. Thank you for letting us out of there.” Storm said.

“Do you have other clothes for me? I don’t want to get this dirty.” Tina informed them as she carefully patted her dress.

“We‘ll start the programming right now, and show them off at your party, how does that sound? Tifa asked Cloud.

“Yeah, that’s a good idea.” Cloud replied, wondering what everyone would think of a tiny robot version of Tifa following him around everywhere.


	2. Chapter 2

“What in Gaia’s name are **those**?!” Yuffie demanded to know as Storm and Tina followed Cloud and Tifa into the bar for Cloud’s ‘official’ birthday party.

“This is Yuffie.” Tifa told the dolls.

“Hello, we’re very pleased to meet the Princess of Wutai.” Storm said to Yuffie.

“I’m not really a princess.” the astonished Yuffie managed to say after hearing the doll talk in Cloud‘s voice.

“You told us she was!” Tina snapped at Tifa.

“I said she was the daughter of the ruler, but…um…yeah, she’s not really a princess.” Tifa clarified with burning cheeks, hoping they hadn’t heard her actual comment about Yuffie sometimes being snobby enough like a real princess. “These are the presents I got Cloud for his birthday. His Storm doll is to keep me company when he’s away, and Tina is for him so he won‘t get lonely on his deliveries/missions.”

“That’s…um…nice.” Yuffie idly wondered how Cloud felt about his present, then decided she didn‘t want to know. “Where’d you get them?” she asked Tifa, catching sight of Vincent hiding in a dark corner of the bar as usual.

“I got an email about how to not be lonely, and it was an ad for these dolls. The company is called Tokia Toys. You can get regular stuffed dolls for kids, or you can get robotic ones like these, with the voice of whoever you want and you can program their personality too, but they’re not cheap.” Tifa replied.

“Money’s not an object for me.” Yuffie smiled as she watched the unsuspecting Vincent drink his wine. She’d make his life very interesting….

 

***

“Um, when did you get a stalker?” Cid asked Cloud as Tina followed him into the men’s bathroom.

“It’s my birthday present from Tifa.” Cloud said blandly. “Do you mind waiting outside?” he asked Tina.

“I’m just a robot, and I’m here to make sure you don’t get lonely for Tifa.” Tina replied indifferently.

“The bathroom is where I’m supposed to be alone!” Cloud exclaimed. “And I need to go, so please leave!”

“Oh, it’s not like I care about seeing you naked, but if this is a modesty thing…” Tina walked to the closest corner and faced it, covering her eyes to humour Cloud, who sighed in defeat.

 

***

 

“Why are we even here?” Reno asked Rude as they entered the bar with Elena and Tseng.

“To keep good relations with our new allies.” Tseng coldly reminded his second-in-command.

“Whatever.” Reno said as Tifa approached them.

“You’re almost in time for the cake, and there’s only soda available to drink. The bar is off limits.” Tifa smiled at them without rancor. “Vincent has his own wine.”

“Who are these people?” Storm asked, peeking at them from behind Tifa’s legs.

“These are the Turks. Tseng is the leader, Reno is second-in-command, and the other two are Rude and Elena.” Tifa identified them to Storm, who stared hard at all of them, so he could remember them again..

“And what the hell is that?” Reno wanted to know. “Did you shrink Cloud down to doll size so you could play dress up with him? Why isn‘t his voice all high-pitched?”

“This is Storm, half of my birthday present to Cloud.” Tifa explained through clenched teeth as Storm walked up to Reno and kicked his ankle as hard as he could, his robotic body packing a punch belied by his small size and Reno flinched in pain..

“You should have the one named Rude, you weird-looking scarecrow!” the robotic doll retorted.

“How charming!” Elena smiled beatifically at the scene before her. “Wherever did you order Storm from?” she asked Tifa, with a brief calculating glance at Tseng.

 

***

 

Ellie Beasley sat down at the lunch table with the other members of the Stitching Bitches. “Well, the boss was right. We’re starting to get swamped with orders.”

“You know what the worst part is?” Sandra Mullens asked.

“That these men we’re modeling the dolls after weren’t around 40-50 years ago?” Elizabeth Turner 

“Exactly!” Ellie said. “At least we get to make the dolls as an anatomical as we want. And until someone complains, we can keep on doing it.”

 

***

 

_Two weeks later_

Yuffie woke up to a knock on her door. “What? Who’s there?”

“Special delivery for Yuffie Kisaragi.” A voice called out through the door.

“Well it’s about time!” Yuffie knew immediately what it must be, and she grabbed a kimono and threw it on before hurriedly answering the door. “Thanks, have a nice day!” she said after signing for her package, and slammed the door shut in the delivery man’s face. Putting the box down on her kitchen counter, she grabbed a knife and carefully sliced it open. “They got his cape and my wedding kimono right!” Yuffie was extremely pleased as she looked at her dolls. “Now to program my doll before I give it to him.”

 

***

 

Vincent stopped dead in his tracks when he saw the box in front of his door. It was addressed to him, but he had requested that he remain classified when he agreed to Reeve’s offer of a job at WRO. He carefully approached, shocked when he heard screaming.

“I hear footsteps…let me out of here! Don’t you know who I am?!” Yuffie’s voice rang out from inside the box.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Introducing Yuffie, Tseng, and Elena's dolls.

Vincent sighed in frustration as the doll climbed onto his chest. “I’m trying to sleep, Yuffie.” he told it.

“My name is Yunnie!” she exclaimed. “How many times do I have to tell you? I can’t imagine why she’s interested in you!”

“You can leave if you want to, how many times do I have to tell you?” Vincent retorted.

“No, I can’t. I’m a robot and my programming says I have to shadow you. Yuffie wants to know all about you since you’re so stubbornly private. I need to learn all your likes and dislikes for her and subtly tell you how much of a prize she is.” Yunnie said. “It’s not like you think she’s repulsive or something, is it?”

“No!” Vincent denied that accusation. “I just like to sleep in private, it’s nothing personal.”

“Maybe that’s your problem, nothing’s personal to you.” Yunnie gently told him.

“If I had been less personal and more professional when I was a Turk, it would have been better for everyone. Now let me sleep in peace.” Vincent closed his eyes, hoping Yunnie would leave him alone, he felt ridiculous talking to a toy about his love life or lack thereof. He wondered if Yuffie got herself a doll of him as well, then decided he really didn’t want to know.

 

***

“What is it, Elena?” Tseng asked as she patiently waited in his office doorway for him to acknowledge her.

“I’ve got something for you, sir.” Elena said and gestured behind her. Tseng’s eyes widened as he saw tiny versions of himself and Elena walk into the room and climb onto the guest chair and then his desk.

“Hello. You’re our boss I guess.” they told him.

“What…what is this?” Tseng demanded to know, even though he could tell it was just like the Cloud and Tifa dolls he had already seen.

“I thought they would help you be in two places at once, sir. I‘ve only programmed them to recognize everyone.” Elena lied, since she had made sure the Tseng doll would show favoritism to her and her doll. “I haven’t even named them yet. Yours can act as supervisor to us and mine can spy in areas we couldn‘t before. Not only is she impervious to most toxic gases and not bothered by heat and cold usually, but she can hide easily and if she‘s caught people will just think she‘s a doll. And both of them have excellent vision and hearing.”

Tseng pretended to consider her proposal carefully so she wouldn‘t know as soon as he saw them he had decided they would be useful. He knew Elena wanted him, so he always acted especially indifferent to her, hoping it might drive her out of the Turks, since he couldn’t give in to his feelings as long as they worked together. “I’ll finish their programming and give them some trial assignments to see how they do.” he finally said. “In fact, I know exactly what my doll can do first…”

 

***

 

“If you burn that shirt, you’ll have to pay for a new one!” Tsareng warned Reno.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah…” Reno said sourly as he tried to iron his co-workers’ white shirts. “Don’t you have a dollhouse you’re supposed to be moving in to or something?”

“I’m doing exactly what I’m supposed to, which is more than what you’re doing.” Tsareng told him. “You may be second-in-command, but I’m an exact copy of Tseng so I still outrank you.”

“Damned midget wannabe…” Reno muttered under his breath. His day was bad enough as it was, having been ordered to clean and press the shirts as punishment for his behavior at Cloud’s birthday party. He didn’t have the foggiest clue about laundering…clothes that is, and being harassed by a tiny robotic toy version of Tseng while he was trying to figure out what he was doing only made it worse. He wasn’t even aware he had started to lift the iron towards Tsareng until the doll started copping an attitude with him again.

“I heard that! And don’t even think about it! You aren’t stupid enough to do anything to me, because Tseng will know and then you’ll be in even more trouble!” Tsareng snapped at him. “Though if you were smart, you wouldn’t have gotten in trouble in the first place, now would you?”

Reno frowned and sulkily got back to his assigned chore. “Having dolls made of yourself is what’s stupid…hey!” His customary smirk appeared as a new idea occurred to him.

 

***

“Did you see that man who barged into the boss’s office earlier?” Ellie asked Sandra and Elizabeth.

“No, but what’s so special about him?” they wondered.

“He’s the hottest one yet we’ve seen…I’d love to have him model for his doll in person if he came to place an order.” Ellie replied. “I bet every inch of that boy is as firm as our girdles are.”

 

***

 

“How’d you find me?” Cait Sith asked. “Tokia Toys doesn’t list me as the owner.”

“I’m a Turk, and the property taxes for the warehouse is sent to your P.O Box. It wasn’t that hard to figure out.” Reno pointed out. “You’re going to make me one of your little toys, but this one’s going to be special, alright?”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reno's doll isn't what he expected.

“It’s about time!” Reno eagerly rubbed his hands together as he saw the package on his rarely used office desk. Using a letter opener, he sliced it open and took out his own doll.

“You and me are gonna have some good times, little buddy. Now it’s time for you to find out how lucky you are to have been modeled after me.” Reno stood his doll on the desk and turned the power switch on.

“Where the hell am I?” the doll asked.

“Yeah, this office stinks, but we won’t be here long. I’m gonna show you how to have some real fun, okay?” Reno leaned down and put his face next to his doll. “First we’ve got to pick out a name for you.”

The doll reached out and slapped Reno. “I don’t need your help picking out a name or having a good time. I’m a rebel!” With that, the doll jumped off the desk and ran out the door.

“You little bastard! Get back here!” Reno yelled after it as he gave chase.

 

***

 

Rufus was in Tseng’s office giving him new assignments while being updated on current ones when they were interrupted by a mini version of Reno running into the room and jumping on the desk.

“So you’re the boss men, aren’t you? Well, Reno ain’t got the stones to do this, but I do…boss this!” The doll bent over and pulled down his pants, wiggling his bare synthetic ass at them before pulling his pants back up just as Reno arrived.

“Too late, **_buddy_**!” his doll sarcastically told him. “Nyah nyan nyah, you can’t catch me cause I’m cooler than you are!” The doll stuck his tongue out at Reno before fleeing the room right between Reno‘s legs.

 

***

 

Scarlet was waiting for the elevator when she was startled by Reno’s voice. Looking around, she didn’t see him anywhere. “Reno? Where are you?”

“I’m not Reno! I’m down here, chica. Thanks for showing me what a woman looks like where it counts. You’ve got a nice set of gams for an older lady, and those black lacy panties work for you.” the doll said.

Scarlet looked down at the mini Reno looking up her skirt. “Does a laser beam burning up your motherboard work for you?” she asked, calmly taking out a pen and aiming it at the doll.

“You’re a dried up old cocktease!” the doll exclaimed before running away.

Moments later, Reno came barreling down the hallway. “Your wannabe ran that way.” Scarlet offered and pointed in the right direction, though her first impulse was to misdirect him as an abject lesson for his constant annoying yet charming insubordination.

“Thanks Scarlet, I’ll pay you back later!” Reno said as he ran by, and Scarlet smiled at that, Reno’s version of gratitude to her never disappointed.

 

***

 

Zack and Aerith were also in the building, waiting for the elevator to see Scarlet and find out if the Buster sword replacement was done yet, since Zack wanted to give Cloud his own version. Suddenly the emergency stairway door burst open and a tiny Reno ran towards them.

“Please protect me!” he pleaded as he quickly climbed up Aerith, clinging to her arm as Reno approached them.

“I’ve got you now, you annoying little punk!” Reno told him, smirking as he closed in on his target.

“Oh yeah?” the doll retorted, diving down Aerith’s blouse, landing in her bra. “I dare you to grab me now! Hey lady, you’ve got quite a pair on you, and they look natural too, your boy toy must be proud.”

Aerith blushed furiously as she grabbed the doll by his neck. “I take it this is yours.” She handed the doll back to Reno.

“Sorry about that, Aerith.” Reno sincerely apologized to her before the angry glint in her and Zack’s eyes caused him more trouble.

“Let me go! This is assault!” the doll cried foul.

“You’re quite the little dick, aren’t you?” Reno remarked. “That’ll be your name, Dick.” he told him as he activated the programming mode. 

“Isn‘t that the same toy that Cloud and Tifa have?” Zack asked Reno.

“I’m not a toy, if I’m a dick, I’m the best one around!” Dick snapped.

“Quiet or I’ll turn you off!” Reno told him before turning to Zack. “Yeah it is, but something obviously went wrong with the programming. He doesn’t understand who’s boss!” Reno said before heading back upstairs with the still protesting Dick.

Aerith giggled once Reno was out of earshot. “I think Reno’s finally met his match.”

“I think you’re right.” Zack smiled at her. “But they seem like could be fun if programmed properly.”

“They could be.” Aerith smiled back, thinking of how having a mini Zack around would help assuage her loneliness when he and Cloud got one of those semi-frequent special assignments from W.R.O.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More dolls are delivered, some without warning.

Tseng recovered first from the scene he and Rufus had just witnessed, sort of. “I hope that’s not an accurate representation of Reno’s butt.” was all he could think of to say.

“What was that?” Rufus asked when his speechlessness faded, his eyes blinking constantly as if to eradicate what he had just seen .

“It’s…um…the latest in surveillance.” Tseng reluctantly explained, making a gesture and Rufus was further stunned to see miniature versions of Tseng and Elena appear and jump onto his desk.

“You signaled us, sir?” they asked simultaneously.

“Tsareng and Alana, I‘d like to introduce you to Rufus Shinra. Orders from him outrank ones from me.” he said.

Rufus stared at the leader of the Turks as if he’d never seen him before, shocked anew. ”You…you have your own set of dolls?”

“We are not _dolls_.” Alana replied snottily. “We are advanced robotic surveillance action figures! Right, Tsareng?” She took hold of his hand as she asked for his support.

“You heard her.” Tsareng agreed, smiling at Alana.

“As you say.” Rufus replied, looking askance at their obvious affection for each other.

“However, I have heard some owners use them as entertainment, since you can program them however you want.” Tseng hesitantly informed Rufus, unaware his cheeks were turning pink with embarrassment at Tsareng and Alana acting like a couple in front of his boss.

“Where do you order them from?” Rufus found himself asking.

“A company called Tokia Toys.” Tseng replied.

“Very well. We’ll continue this meeting later.” Rufus informed him before leaving.

Tseng groaned and buried his head in his hands once the door shut behind Rufus. “How could you two do that to me in front of him?”

“Do what?” they wanted to know.

“You might as well have just had sex in front of your superior! There are rules against fraternization amongst the Turks.” Tseng exclaimed.

Tsareng and Alana looked at each other, then at Tseng. “What’s…what’s sex?” Tsareng asked.

Tseng lifted his head and stared unbelievingly at them for a moment, then started roaring with laughter. Of course the dolls wouldn’t be designed to be sexual since they were marketed as suitable for children, which means Reno’s wasn’t either, and there was going to be a big disappointing surprise in the near future…he wondered who would find that more offensive, Reno or his doll.

“I don’t know why you found that so funny, but you better tell us what sex is, right now!” Alana demanded.

***

 

“You’re pretty.” the Zack doll told Aerith after she took him out of the package and turned him on.

“Thank you.” Aerith said, taking out her own doll and turning her on.

“You’re the ones who bought us?” she asked, looking at Aerith and Zack.

“Yes, we did. And we’ve got names picked out for you already.” Aerith replied.

“What are they?” the dolls asked with obviously faked enthusiasm.

“You’re going to be Jack, and you’re going to be Aretha.” Zack informed them.

“That’s…nice.” Aretha said. “What’d you want us for?”

“We…uh…were thinking you could just follow us around and keep us company.” Zack felt embarrassed talking to dolls that looked just like them and had their voices, even if Jack and Aretha were kinda cute.

“And Jack, I garden a lot, so I’ll need your help chasing off pests when I’m tending it.” Aerith said.

“We’ll even get you a little sword to help you.” Zack offered, finding himself taken by the idea of a much smaller version of himself battling the enemies of Aerith’s garden.

“Do I get to do anything exciting too?” Aretha asked hopefully.

“Um, I’ll have to think about that.” Zack replied. “When I’m on a mission with Cloud, he’ll probably bring little Tifa, I mean Tina, and you two can chat I guess. And maybe forage for food. And keep snakes away from our campsite.” Zack involuntarily shivered…he hated snakes.

 

***

 

Scarlet found the unexpected box on her office desk and quickly scanned it for explosives and biological weapons. Once assured it was clean, she opened the box, startled when a tiny replica of herself jumped out.

“You’re Scarlet, right?” the doll asked her in her own voice.

“Yes I am, who the hell are you?” she demanded to know

“I’m your new boss, bitch! I’m here to keep your well-preserved and man-eating ass in line. My orders come directly from The Man. You will call me Rose.” the doll replied.

“The Man…Reno put you up to this, didn’t he?” Scarlet was so offended by being sassed at by a mere toy that she didn’t realize she was actually starting to argue with her.

“I don’t know any Reno, I just know I’m to keep you from spreading your legs and make sure you focus on improving the W.R.O troops’ armor and weaponry. So get to it!” Rose snapped at her.

 

***

“Are you kidding me?” Rude blurted out when he walked into his office and was confronted by his own doll punching out of its box.

“Hello, I’m Mr. Nice Guy. I’m here to help you keep that lout Reno out of trouble.” the doll told him once he freed himself from the box.

“Who…who sent you?” Rude was floored.

“The Man.” Mr. Nice Guy replied.

 

***

 

Reeve knew what his box was right away, but unsure why he was receiving one. He was stunned to be confronted with a miniature Rufus Shinra when he opened the box. Taking him out and standing him on his desk in the executive office of W.R.O., he activated the doll.

“You are to address me as The Man. You know who I am, and you’re going to take me wherever you go, to help improve my public image.” the doll informed him. “After all, I’m the one paying for most of this.” He gestured wide to include the whole building.

 

***

Rufus was delighted. The cameras he had implanted in the dolls were state of the art, and the reactions of his subordinates beat anything he had seen on TV when he deigned to watch it. He could combine business and pleasure now, all thanks to Cait Sith. He was willing to change his mind that the freaky robotic cat creature was nothing but useless and annoying now.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reno discovers Dick has a little problem and tries to get him some help.

Tseng’s prediction about Reno and Dick never came to pass, since Reno had programmed Dick on his own to know about sex. But they still suffered some humiliation for a different reason, still of a sexual nature.

A week later Reno woke up to Dick slapping his face early one morning before sunrise. “How could you do this to me?!” Dick was yelling.

“How’d you get of the gun safe?” Reno fired back. “And what the hell is your problem now?”

“I’m impotent! Why’d you give me this if it doesn’t work?” Dick slapped his hand on his groin. “What kind of a sicko are you? I was chatting up this lovely lady but when it came time to put out, I couldn’t!” Dick cradled his head in his hands. “Oh, the humanity!” he bawled.

Reno couldn’t believe his ears. “You’re…you’re an impotent virgin? Are you kidding me?!” 

“No!” Dick blurted out and then explained his whole sob story. As Reno understood it, Dick escaped and went trolling for mischief, and eventually ended up at a playground and found an abandoned regular doll and tried his luck.

Reno was stunned…Dick was modeled after him, would people think he was the same? He couldn‘t take that chance. “Let’s go ask Cait Sith.”

 

***

“No!” Cait Sith exclaimed. “My toys are for all ages, kids don’t need sex dolls!”

“My reputation is on the line!” Reno all but yelled. “You don’t have to make them all sexually active, just Dick! Look at the poor kid.” He gestured to where Dick was standing in the office, trying to look as pitiful as possible. “He’s not trying to go on a killing spree or take over the world, he just wants to get laid!”

 

***

 

The Stitching Bitches had taken the dolls they were working on close to the boss’s office to giggle at the argument they could clearly hear.

“I guess we shouldn’t have made them anatomical after all.” Elizabeth commented.

“Don’t talk such nonsense!” Ellie retorted. “It was fun, and it’s the closest to the real thing some of us are likely to get again. And that’s the gorgeous young man who was in a few weeks ago. I bet he’s never met a vagina he didn’t like.”

 

***

“I didnae agree! Take your perversion out of here!” Cait Sith demanded.

“Come on, Dick, let’s go see if Cid can help us, he’s used to tinkering on all kinds of stuff.” Reno said and left the office as the Stitching Bitches hurried back to their assigned stations. “Yuffie! What are you doing here?” he asked after nearly bumping into her as she walked in the building just as he was walking out.

“Just picking something up.” she replied as the Vincent doll peeked out at Reno and Dick from behind her legs.

“What does Vincent think about that?” Reno asked with a smirk on his face.”

“I haven’t asked him.” Yuffie honestly answered him. “Oh, thank you.” she said as Elizabeth handed her a regular plush doll, and Yuffie handed her a cashier‘s check in return.

Reno gawked at her when he realized the doll looked like him, then recovered. “You could have just asked if you wanted to cuddle with me.” he told her.

“It’s for Marlene, you twit.” she snapped at him. “Come on, Vinnie, let’s go.”

“Hey Vinnie, did anyone ever tell you that you’re a virgin for life?” Dick called out after them.

“What’s a virgin?” Vinnie asked Yuffie as they headed to Cloud and Tifa‘s house.

“Nothing you really need to know about.” Yuffie frowned…it would be just like Reno to want a sexually active doll modeled after him.

Reno was frowning too, at finding out Marlene wanted a doll of him. He had no trouble with women objectifying him, he just wanted them to be legal age first. Marlene was just a kid. “Come on, Dick, let’s see if Cid will understand our problem.”

 

***

It was all Cid could do to keep a straight face as he heard out Reno and Dick in his hangar. “You want Dick to be able to have sex?”

“Damned straight!” Reno exclaimed. “I’m not having my exact likeness spend the rest of his life as an impotent virgin! Can you imagine what people will say about me? And think about how Dick must feel every time he sees a dog hump someone’s leg and he can’t get even get it up?”

“Let’s get back to the house first, I’d like you to meet our two newest additions.” Cid replied, leaving the hangar. When they got back to the house, he called out for his wife. “Shera! We’ve got company!”

“Who, dear?” Shera asked, hurrying into the room. “Oh, hello Reno. You’ve got a friend too, I see.”

“Too?” Reno inquired.

“Yeah, that’s why I brought them in, so they could meet ours.” Cid told her.

“They’re in the kitchen helping, follow me.” Shera led the way. “Oh, stop that you two!” she cried out in dismay as two small figures were throwing bits of dough at each other like a snowball fight, their features were obscured by the batter, but they instantly stopped when they realized they had been caught.

“These two little firecrackers are Sid and Sarah. We call him Junior mostly though.” Cid explained.

“So why are you here?” Shera asked Reno as she started to clean Sid off, who swore in protest.

“I thought Cid could help me with a little problem with Dick here.” Reno introduced his own doll.

Cid couldn’t keep it in any longer and he burst out laughing. “He…he wants me to give Dick the little blue wires!”

Shera just looked at her amused husband in confusion while Reno felt himself getting upset at being the butt of someone else’s joke. “Are you gonna help me or not, Cid?”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm too tired to come up with a sensible chapter summary right now, so it's just more of the same.

“Oh, Ellie, you didn’t!” Elizabeth blurted out.

“Of course I did!” she blithely replied. “Girls, I’d like you to meet Ellen.” The doll jumped up onto the lunch table. “Ellen, these are the Stitching Bitches.” They all looked at the robotic version of Ellie Beasley as she was in her early 20s, with shoulder length strawberry blonde hair, cat’s eyes glasses, and very red lips.

“Nice to meet you all.” Ellen politely said, looking around. “But where are all the hotties?”

“Why, Ellie?” Sandra managed to ask.

“We can’t turn back our biological clocks, and since all those fine men who wanted dolls modeled after them are too young, I decided Ellen could make the acquaintance of their dolls.” Ellie told her friends. “Ellen, you’ll have to find the men on your own, I don’t have their addresses.”

 

***

 

”Do you have any interesting information to report?” Elena asked Tsareng and Alana.

“He likes watching weather forecasts.” Alana replied with a hint of disdain.

“If all you really want is just to link your system with his, why not just do it? If a tactical plan isn‘t working, you should change your strategy.” Tsareng suggested.

 

***

 

“Are you ready?” Tifa asked Cloud as she came out of the bathroom.

“Yep, let’s go.” Cloud replied, and opened the front door.

“Wait for us!” Storm and Tina called out, hurrying out of their dollhouse and grabbing onto their owner’s legs.

“Okay, you can come too.” Cloud reluctantly said, and their dolls gleefully let go of their legs, rushing out the open door to Fenrir.

 

***

“What do you want now?” Mr. Nice Guy asked Dick, feeling a fit of exasperation coming on. Whenever Dick approached him, it was undoubtedly to get in some kind of trouble that Reno and Rude had told him to keep Dick out of.

“I overheard them.” Dick gestured at the table where Reno and Rude were eating lunch. “There’s a birthday party today and it might be where they’re hiding all the female dolls. Let‘s go find ‘em!” Dick said before running out the door.

“Hey! Stop! Come back here!” Mr. Nice Guy shouted, chasing after the delinquent bad boy.

“Aren’t you going to follow them?” Rude asked when he and Reno saw their robotic counterparts run out the door.

“Nah, when Cid made some alterations on Dick, I had him shove a GPS beacon in him as well. Dick’s stupid enough to just think the slight extra weight was just part of the enhancement. I can find him when we’re done eating.” Reno explained. “I ain’t giving up my lunch break for that little punk.”

 

***

 

“Calm down.” Nanaki told his pups for the umpteenth time.

“But Sire…” his eldest pup started to say.

“I know, you’re not used to smelling humans. But these are good special humans, so relax.” Nanaki growled.

“Hey, you guys! So which one is the lucky birthday pup?” Yuffie exclaimed as she arrived, holding out a big wrapped box. Vinnie was sitting on her shoulder, staying quiet.

“Me!” the youngest one squeaked, trying not to feel nervous about being so close to a human. He had to be a brave warrior like his father and grandfather. Just then, Fenrir came roaring down the dirt road, coming to a stop a few feet away from everyone, and all the pups barely held back the startled yelps caught in their throats.

“Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you!” Storm and Tina started singing as they let go of their owners’ legs and ran over to the pups.

“These smell funny, Sire.” the eldest pup remarked as he sniffed them.

“What are those things?” Nanaki asked.

“Toy companions.” Cloud replied as he put their present next to Yuffie’s. “Barret will be bringing the kids.”

 

***

 

Soon everyone but Vincent had arrived, and it was more of a party for the dolls than anyone else, all being very eager to meet others of their kind.

“Where’s the cake?” Barret wanted to know.

“I don’t think there’s going to be cake at this party.” Tifa gently informed him. “Vincent was supposed to be bringing…there he is!” she exclaimed as the altered former Turk arrived in a red swirl, with a large cooler in his hands.

“I’ve got the steaks.” he announced. “Fresh from a young behemoth.”

“There they are!” Dick exclaimed, running to where all the other dolls were getting to know each other, Mr. Nice Guy not far behind him. Dick shoved his way past the other male dolls to where Yunnie, Aretha, Tina, and Sarah were chatting. “Hey girls, any of you ready for a real man yet? I’ve been primed and am raring to go!” he told them.

“Who is this?” the female dolls just looked at each other.

“I know who he is.” Vinnie announced. “Yuffie told me. He’s a…wannabe pirate?” he tried to remember her exact words. “And he likes to be tied up.”

“Oh, okay, we can do that.” Sarah said, and the female dolls converged on Dick.

“Hey, what is this? Don’t you know who I am?” Dick protested as they tied him to a nearby rock.

“Well, now we can get back to the party.” Tifa didn’t bother to hide the smirk she felt. “Vincent, you said you had the steaks?”

“Yes, I do.” Vincent opened the cooler, and gestured for Nanaki and his pups to enjoy them while the human guests enjoyed the refreshments Cid and Shera had brought down from the airship.

“Can I open the presents now?” the birthday pup asked when every was done eating, looking in curious anticipation at the stack of them.

“Yes. But be careful you don’t ruin what’s inside when you tear it open.” Nanaki cautioned, even as the guests all assured him their presents couldn’t be ruined.

 

***

 

“Well, I guess this goes under the great minds category.” Cid jovially remarked as the last of the presents was opened, and Nanaki’s youngest pup now had a stack of plain stuffed Hojo dolls.

Cloud decided to take out his phone and start recording as the birthday pup grabbed one of the stuffed Hojos in his mouth and started pawing and biting it. Soon it was nothing but a wad of fluff, and all the guests couldn’t help but applaud, and Vincent even laughed.

“Hey, get me out of here.” Dick tried to order Mr. Nice Guy to untie him. “I don’t want to be next on the menu.

“You brought this on yourself.” Mr. Nice Guy told him.

“Shut up and help me. Those women don’t understand what they‘re missing. What kind of guy likes to be tied up anyway?” Dick complained.

 

***

 

Tseng woke up feeling a bit groggy, and was only half-surprised to find himself naked, tied to a bed. He was totally surprised to notice it was a rather feminine-looking bed. Enemies of the Turks and Shinra wouldn’t hold him hostage in a regular house, there were specific facilities for such things. He got a second more intense shock when the bedroom door opened and a leather-clad Elena walked in, holding a breakfast tray and a riding crop.

“Good morning, my little stud muffin. Are you ready for the day’s fun?” she politely asked him.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More on Nanaki's birthday party and Rufus gets caught red-handed by Rose.

“Dammit, the battery’s dead.” Cloud complained, putting away his phone.

“Well, how much footage did you need of Dick tied up to a rock swearing anyway?” Tifa teased him. “He started repeating himself five minutes ago.”

“Does he have a programming deficiency? Is that why he‘s different?” Tina asked Cloud and Tifa.

“He’s a true dick.” Barret announced, shrugging when Tifa glared at him.

“Dick is just a special doll.” Tifa replied diplomatically. “And I think he’s lost, he has no reason to be here.”

“Yes he does, he’s here for our entertainment.” Yuffie chimed in gleefully. “I think Yunnie and the other girls need to give him a makeover next. Cloud, remember what you did to rescue Tifa from Don Corneo’s brothel?”

 

***

 

“Why would Dick be way out here?” Rude asked Reno as they approached Cosmo Canyon.

“To amuse himself by making me chase all over Gaia for him.” Reno replied sourly. “According to this, we should be coming on him any…what the…” his jaw dropped open as they walked into a memorable scene. Their former enemies were all gathered around a rock laughing, and tied to the rock was Dick, who was now in a maid’s uniform and Aretha was trying to put lipstick on his uncooperative self, and Mr. Nice Guy was just standing passively near him, surrounded by all the other dolls.

“I wanted to thank you for providing the entertainment for the birthday party.” Cloud said smugly, remembering all the snide not-so-subtle comments Reno had made about the cross-dressing escapade.

“Who’s idea was this?” Rude asking, fighting to keep a smile off his face as Reno rescued Dick.

“Mine.” Yuffie replied insolently, enjoying the results from Vinnie’s shoddy recollection of her statement about Reno, she had called him a rogue and a scoundrel, not a pirate. “We thought we’d help you out by teaching him some manners.”

Reno shot her a dark look before untying Dick. “Where are his real clothes?” he demanded to know.

“I have them.” Mr. Nice Guy confessed, and Rude picked him up away from the other dolls and put him down next to Dick, who grabbed his clothes and disgustedly tore the maid‘s outfit off before getting dressed in his rightful uniform.

“We won’t forget this!” Reno snarled before he stormed away.

“No, you won’t!” Aerith called after him sweetly. “We’ve got video! I’ll text you the ShinraTube link later!”

 

.  
***

Realizing he hadn’t heard from Tsareng and Alana in a while, Rufus went to his safe room and activated their cameras to find out where they were. Cursing when there was just blackness on the monitors, revealing they had been turned off, he grabbed the wireless controller that he had specially made for them, and remotely powered on their cameras. When the images appeared on the monitors, he sat there in shock as he saw Elena and Tseng in what must be her bedroom, him tied to her bed, and her with the riding crop. She was obviously doing some kind of sexual interrogation, but he couldn’t be sure, since the cameras in the dolls only transmitted video, not audio. Rufus’s first thought was to turn it off, but he found himself fascinated by the scene unfolding before him, Tseng looked so flustered and unsure of himself, and Rufus had never seen that side of the leader of the Turks.

“Why is your hand in your pants?” Rose asked.

“Never sneak up on me!” Rufus snapped at her in embarrassed fury, surprised to look at the clock and realize two hours had passed. “And what are you doing here? How’d you get in?”

“You didn’t lock the safe room door, and you wanted me to report to you on Scarlet’s activites. Why was your hand in your pants?“ she asked again.

“I’m protecting the family jewels.” he told her coolly as he got ahold of himself, taking his hand out and wiping it off with one of the cleaning wipes meant for the monitor screens.

“Oooooo, I like jewelry! What is it, diamond, sapphires, pearls, a mix? Can I see them, pretty please?” Rose asked eagerly.

“No, you may not!” he exclaimed. “It’s…it’s my future wife’s inheritance, only she gets them.”

“Oh. Well, you don’t have to get so testy. Did you know your cheeks are really red right now?” Rose let him know.

“Do you have anything of interest to report on Scarlet’s activities?” he inquired through clenched teeth.

“She wants a raise and is getting fed up with Reno’s catting around, she thinks he’ll eventually ruin his effectiveness as an operative if he doesn’t settle down.” Rose reported.

“Hmmm…” Rufus pondered that and turned on Mr. Nice Guy’s camera, in time to see the female dolls force Dick into the maid’s outfit.

Rose stared at Rufus as his mood suddenly brightened and he actually laughed. “Humans are strange.” she muttered to herself.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reno and Dick go to a bar, Cloud and Tifa sort of have a fight, and Rufus lets Tseng and Elena know he knows.

“Where are we going?” Dick asked Reno as he watched the miles flew by in the helicopter.

“To the nearest bar.” Reno replied. “We both need a drink.”

“And what am I supposed to drink? I’m a robot, you idiot!” Dick snapped.

“You’re modeled after me, aren’t you? I had Cid make another alteration to you. You can drink antifreeze.” Reno revealed.

“What else did you have done to me while you had me turned off?” Dick asked suspiciously.

“Like I’d tell you.” Reno smugly replied, wondering if he should lie and say he had a self-destruct feature added to keep the annoying little punk in line. “Here we are.” he said as they approached the outskirts of a small town and he landed in an empty lot. ”Now let’s party!”

 

***

“That was a great birthday party, wasn’t it?” Tifa asked Cloud as they walked in the door of their apartment.

“Sure was.” Cloud replied indifferently as he checked their answering machine for messages.

“Alright, what’s bothering you?” Tifa demanded to know. “You’ve been acting like you’re throwing one of your passive-aggressive temper tantrums since Dick showed up there.”

Not for the first time, Cloud regretted agreeing to go to couples‘ therapy with Tifa to help them be happy together, since the dolls‘ arrival had put extra strain on them, and she kept using psychobabble terms on him since then. “I’m tired of everyone bringing up the Don Corneo thing. I only did that to save you cause you were getting in over your head. It’s not like I enjoyed wearing women’s clothing.”

“Oh for Gaia’s sake, we all know that. We’re not insulting you, it’s a shared joke. Just like we tease Yuffie about being a ‘princess’ and Vincent about his coffin. Quit being a big baby and suck it up!” Tifa snapped, feeling insulted herself that he persisted in believing that she had needed rescuing. Cloud frowned, knowing better than to say out loud that their therapist had told Tifa that the events at Nibelheim had given her abandonment issues which she compensated for by being overcontrolling.

.  
“Cloud’s a big baby?” Storm and Tina asked simultaneously. “Does that mean he wears diapers?”

 

***

 

“Is this stool taken?” A buxom blonde asked Reno as he sat at the bar downing his scotch.

“Not at all.” Reno replied with an appraising smile, gesturing for her to sit down. 

“Oh my, what’s that?” she exclaimed, pointing towards Dick, who was sitting on the edge of the bar, sipping his drink from a thimble. “He looks just like you.” She leaned closer to get a better look, and a smirk appeared on Dick’s face as he got a good look down her low-cut top.

“He’s a very advanced robotic surveillance device.” Reno said with a similar smirk on his face.

“Wow, really?” she asked in an astonished voice.

“Yeah, but I shouldn’t have told you that, so please don’t tell anyone.” he pleaded with fake urgency.

Dick watched Reno’s successful play for the blonde woman, half-studying his technique, and half-wondering why he couldn’t find some decent robot chick and get laid.

“Hey hot stuff, you wanna buy a lady a drink?” a female voice said, and Dick turned his head to see Ellen climb up onto a bar stool and jump onto the bar right next to him. “My name’s Ellen. So, do you have money to buy me a drink or not? The night‘s young and I‘m not getting any older!”

Reno watched the scene out of the corner of his eye, hoping maybe they’d both get lucky tonight, he was still rather embarrassed that Dick was a virgin.

 

***

Elena frowned when Tseng’s phone rang, waking them up. When it stopped ringing, hers started. Her frown intensified and she grabbed it, noticing it was Rufus. “Yes, sir?” she answered politely.

“I want you and Tseng in my office in twenty minutes.” Rufus said and hung up.

“Time for us to take a quick shower and get dressed.” Elena told Tseng. “We need to be in Mr. Shinra’s office in twenty minutes.” She got out of bed and headed for her bathroom to get the shower water to her preferred temperature. Curious about how he knew Tseng was with her, she didn’t bother enjoying her first shower with him as she had planned, and simply cleaned herself up while he did likewise.

“You’re fifteen seconds late.” Rufus informed them when they arrived.

“I’m sorry, sir.” Tseng apologized while Elena merely stood at attention, both of them with still damp hair.

“That was not an accusation, mind you, merely an observation.” Rufus reassured him. “As I’m sure you’re wondering why I called you in this morning, it has come to my attention that certain fraternization rules have been broken.”

“Not if I quit, sir.” Elena stunned herself by saying. She really didn’t want to leave the Turks, still feeling like she had to prove herself better than her sister, but she had wanted Tseng for far too long to give him up after finally landing him.

Rufus raised an eyebrow at her remark and Tseng‘s red face. “No need, I just wanted to let you know that as long as the quality of your work is not affected, what you do off-duty shall remain your business.”

“Thank you, sir.” Tseng said as his blushing subsided. He was quite relieved by Rufus’ response to his and Elena’s union. He had been beyond shocked when she went all dominatrix on him, but he had finally given in to her demands of him, justifying it by the excuse he was coerced. Coerced into a wonderfully satisfying sexual union with the women he had desired for so long…

“That’s all. Dismissed.” Rufus waved his hand towards the door. “Oh, and Elena?” 

“Yes, sir?” she asked.

“Try and keep your curtains closed next time.” Rufus suggested with a smirk similar to Reno’s, unable to resist teasing her, and making sure she never suspected how he really knew what they had done.


End file.
